Saturday, 02 June 2007

• I am now a fourth-year medical student!  I'm so excited!  And I can't believe my 3rd year is over.  To be completely cliched and Dickensian about it, 3rd year: the best of times and the worst of times.  Even amid the ego-crushing and self-doubt and constant sense of inadequacy and intermittent situational blues, there is beauty in this mess.  I'm still giddy with excitement that I'm lucky enough to become a doctor. 
  
  MUST CHECK THIS LINK OUT:  Bill Moyers interviews Jon Stewart. 
  
  Schoolgirl crush aside, I really admire Jon Stewart for intellectual reasons, too.    As I watched this, I was humbled by how embarrasingly true it was that the majority of comfortable, middle-to-upper class Americans really can't be bothered by a 5-year war (FIVE YEARS!) when none of its immediate repercussions really affect them directly and they're too busy with their individual lives.  Sure, I whine about stuff here and there, but I don't need to ration my food (or coffee!) or have people near and dear to me in dangerous regions or alter my life drastically because of war.  I'm so freaking insulated.   And admittedly self-absorbed.  Dammit, I just don't want to be self-righteous or self-entitled. 
  
  Toward the end of the year, as my sanity and faith in humanity began to crumble, I thought 3rd year would turn me into a raving cynical b***h whose life will be work work work and become so bereft of meaning that she would need constant ego-stroking and validation at the expense of kindness and other people and of what really matters.   And on my surgery rotation, where I expected to be humiliated and ridiculed and looked down upon, I just told myself: enough is enough.  I am not letting anyone push me around.  That, and I decided not to be so Holden Caufield and Eeyore since in the end, I only hurt myself (and apparently others, too, although that always confuses me since I feel everyone has the upper hand when it comes to being involved with me ) by living inside my neurotic negative mind.  It must have worked a little bit since on my last day, one of my patients said: 'you know, you're really sweet, but you're TOUGH!  You seem pretty tough."  To which I said: "REALLY!?  Me?!?!  OMG you are so nice!  TOUGH?!  Wow I never thought I came off like that."   Ha, silly man thinks I'm tough...psych consult anyone?
  
  Even my hairdresser asks: "Are you one of those people who put themselves down after receiving a compliment?"
  
  Um, yes?  That's my modus operandi.  Sometimes I turn it into a full-blown argument.  It's great.
  
  I need to learn how to say Thank You.  And maybe some faith would do me good.
  
  **
  From Glamour Magazine: 11 Things Every Woman Deserves in Life (hee)!
  
  (The bolded ones are the ones I want more). 
  
  1) A friend who takes your side and has the guts to tell you when you're wrong.
  I have lovely friends like these already fortunately. 
  
  2) One item of clothing that instantly makes you feel twice as beautiful and half as nervous.
  
  3) The occasional good cry, for no particular reason.
  
  4) A man who just cannot get enough of your body.
  Sigh...
  
  5) At least as much pay as the guy at the next desk who does the same job.
  Wait a minute...you mean men in medicine will get paid MORE than I do even if we're both, say, the same sort of subspecialist?  WTF.
  
  6) A same-size friend with an incredible closet.
  
  7) A really hot, really fast red car.  Failing that, really hot red shoes you can run in.
  
  8) The expensive toilet paper.
  Does Charmin count?  I get it cause the bears are cute. 
  
  9) To sometimes lie back and take, take, take in bed.
  No comment.
  
  10) A grandparent equivalent: wise, huggable, all ears.
  
  11) A life in which you play the starring role.
  I don't need a starring role, I just want a happy one. 
  
  **
  
  I will drink red wine and listen to Ella and Billie tonight. 
  
  Life is good.  My cup runneth over.
  
  

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